On where we find ourselves
Through my nineteen and a half years on this earth I feel as if I have lived a thousand lifetimes.
It is completley strange to think of how it has only been twenty years. God grant, one fifth of my life. One fucking fifth.
We have come so far and can travel so much further. They say that time is never on our side; oh but it is. We are on a neverending road to no tangible destination.
I always have had a thing for the feeling of driving with the windows down. There is something about who I am that hates the A/C. The wind blowing through your hair that can take you out of a moment while still being in it. This is a hard feeling to describe.
I have had many different convictions on what it means to live a life well lived. While I am aware that I may never find a concrete anwser, I have come to realize that we are so heavily shaped by even the littlest decisions that we make rather than the seemingly larger ones. In retrospect, and when I say retrospect, I mean complete and absolute retrospect, it is humbling just how many of these decisions have made us who we are today. These decisions which were actually so in fact, at the time, so seemingly irrelevant and simple, turned out to be life-altering. Life has a funny way of being wonderfully cruel at the most ironic of times. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I had actually just skipped the party (that I so heavily regretted going to) that one night in October if my entire life would different. Or Maybe it was always supposed to be this way.
I wonder about fate. I wonder if we are meant to become the people who we become and if the mistakes we feel that we make are actually thought of as mistakes to the universe as well. I wonder if we have the power to decide our own fate and if the choices we make will ultimatlely lead us in the right direction. I also understand that the looming back-of-the-mind late night two-beers-deep question will always remain, what is the right direction? I do not think there is one.
On a similar note, every day I kindly thank the bleach-blonde physcopath in me that choose what college to attend on an absolute fucking whim. She was sitting in IB art class heartbroken and as lost in herself as she had ever been. She was laughing to hide her crying and searching for something to fill the void of the part of herself the had abandoned years ago. "Colleges in California within twenty miles of the coast" was the google search. She sent in an application that day. The girl that you used to call the queen of New York city died that day. There was no funeral.
I like to think that the bleach-blonde acting on impulse was actually a much younger brunette with a long-time-coming and heavlily thought out dream. My nine year old self is eating dinner some with my father and grandmother. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "I'm going to go to UCLA for film school and then make big movies and drive a red Ferarri with black racing stripes and live on Sunset Boulevard. I want to live in California."
When I was fifteen I fell in love with the world on my own terms over what I had been taught throughout my life. I was in Hawaii and everything was good. I had some of the best conversations I have ever had to this day in just that small fraction of my existance. My heart will always hold a place for the men who brought us sailing along the Napali Coast. I learned the importance of adventure from the man who taught us to scuba dive and about kindness from the people of the Grand Hyatt Kauai. I never wanted to leave this life.
"Colleges in California within twenty miles of the coast...with Hospitality and tourism management" was actually he google search.
Looking back on my life I find that moments where I felt the most at peace with my place in the universe seemed to always loom around not being here or there but in the middle. On the road. In an airport. A hotel. Somewhere of the in-between.
I didn't want to go to school for film & photography anymore. I didnt want to create content or art full of fake feelings, scripts, and special effects. I wanted to create real memories and and real feelings of happiness for people.
When I was up in L.A. this past April we were driving with the windows down and radio playing Kings Of Leon. A familiar feeling shot through the very core of my being. I wonder if the little girl in me was trying to get out and dance. I knew that she had been down Sunset before perhaps in a dream and just didn't tell me how beautiful it actually was, or was too young to find the adjectives to accurately describe it. Either way, I could feel her looking up to the girl with the bleach blonde hair and wanting to become her someday. Sometimes I wonder if she knew in her heart all along that it would end up this way or if it was just all happenstance. That I will never know.
I believe that expanding my horizons and traveling to the farthest depths of my existance will continue to shape and fill the many cracks of who I am. I hope that in my life, wherever I find myself, the people I that meet along the way will take away something from me and that I will grow from them as well.
I hope to at some point, and all points, end up where I am in the position to give people that love of not just where they want to be or belong, but most importantly the in-between.
& while were on the subject, you should really come stay at the bed & breakfast I'll have on some beautiful remote island someday.
To the best of my understanding, the world presents us all with opportunities to become who we are meant to be at any given time, whether we know they are there or not. While it is not our job to recognize them wholeheartedly, it is important to always trust in your own intuition before you trust in anything else.
(Trust me on this one.)
There is so much to be thankful for in this life. I tell myself that life is good but then over and over again I realize that it is so much more than that. There are days where I wonder if this place will ever love me back in the same way that I love it.
It is important to note that life will not always take you in the exact direction that you want to go. However, It will take you where you are supposed to go. I guess sometimes we can just get lucky enough for the universe to allow for that to be the same place. In other times we must trust and love the road in which we travel and all of the in-betweens that which we find ourselves in along the way.
Leave the windows down.