Leaving California (I'll be back)
"And when it was over nothing defined us, other than the moments that made us feel free."- r.m drake
I always say that my heart belongs to this state- but that doesn't mean thats where it needs to stay. Last year I wrote, "I should leave California someday to create myself somewhere else" and I have finally been given the opportunity to do just that.
My instagram posts/stories have been all over the place lately. I've changed my mind a million times in the past few weeks and I've gotten a lot of messages asking what I'm doing and where I'm going. I currently have moved completely out of my old house in San Diego, put most of my belongings and furniture into a storage unit for the summer and the rest of my things are packed up in the back of my car.
As for the next week, I'm currently in L.A. I leave tomorrow morning to go on a week long solo road trip across the south west. I've been to almost every western state except for Colorado I'm thinking of hitting national parks in Utah and eventually ending up in Colorado, but nothing is truly planned. I will just go wherever my heart takes me that day and eventually end up in Phoenix, Arizona to basically take everything out of my car to pack it up into Ramseys car to drive to Oregon together for the summer.
So if you don't already know a little history about me; I was born and raised in a small town in Rochester, NY. The kind of place you hate growing up in but the second you leave it becomes a little piece of nostalgic paradise and stays that way in your mind until you actually return and realize how small and shitty it is. When I turned 18, I moved to California. I have been here for three years now and I attend San Diego State University for Recreation & Tourism management, Spanish, and history. I live in San Diego currently but I like to joke that I truly live in Los Angeles for the amount that I'm up there. I drive to L.A. frequently for modeling, photography, friends, and to just get away from the monotony of college life for a little while and feel like I'm out in the real world for a change.
I started having interest in modeling over 5 years ago while I was getting into photography in high school. I didn't start actively pursuing it until about 9 months ago. Through this time I feel like I've gotten a tiny sliver of my foot in the door of the industry, even if its just a damn toe. Despite having gotten the ball rolling on my own dreams, the love of my life is out there somewhere else chasing his. I want to be there for it and be there through it all.
Throughout my life before I moved to this state, I dreamed of moving out west and buying a car to travel the country with. The American west was greatest the symbol of freedom in my mind as well as so many kids who grew up on the east coast. It still is. I would always promise myself that no matter what happened in my life, I would never allow myself to be tied to any place, job, person if it wasn't truly where my heart was.
Following this promise to myself, I have decided to leave California and all of this fun behind for a little while and travel with my boyfriend, Ramsey for the summer. Rams plays minor league baseball in the Chicago Cubs Organization. He is currently in Arizona, and we are thinking that within the next two weeks we will be move up to the team in Oregon together (but its baseball-so you never really know what can happen.)
I've had several friends genuinely ask me why I'm going off for the summer to do that and have had others straight up tell me I'm stupid for "chasing him". I'll explain myself one last time in this post. This is the man I want to spend my life with. All of it. His dreams and my dreams have become so intertwined that cheering him on doing what he loves is just part of the larger plan for my life. Someday, when he's too old to play ball and I'm no longer young and beautiful (shoutout Lana Del Rey) these current dreams of ours will be in the past but we will have each other. I want to be able to reminisce about this time of our lives, to tell our children stories someday of his time playing professional baseball. I want to be a part of it- to be present- not to be halfway across the country. This is such an important time in our lives and it's incredible that he has the opportunity to continue to chase his dream and play a game he loves at this age. His dreams are my dreams and as cheesy as it may sound, being together is my largest dream and the one I will always push to the forefront of my priorities. That is where my heart is right now and where it needs to be this summer.
What this means for me? I'll have time to dedicate to my blog this summer. To myself. My health. My running. My photography. Los Angeles is beautiful but it can become really toxic no matter how hard you try to not allow it to get to you. No matter how happy you are with yourself someone here will always have a better car than, a better body than you, more money than you, and will always find a way to you feel like shit about it. Comparing yourself to that mansion in the hills and the body someone paid for can become pretty fucking exhausting after a while. This small town girl needs to get back to her roots and live somewhere quaint for a while. Somewhere with trees. You know, forests not these imported palm trees and shit. This summer I'll road trip often, I'll be going through many states to watch too many baseball games to count. I look forward to every single second of this journey that it to come.
Am I nervous about this summer? Yes. Uncertainty can make even the most free spirited people uncomfortable but that is the point. The only true growth in life happens outside of your comfort zone so I am stepping out of mine.
Nothing is set in stone.
I'll continue to post updates of about my travel throughout the week and throughout the summer. I'll be back to southern California at the end of August to begin my senior year of college. And the best part about it all, nothing will change. I'll get back and LA will still be LA. This place won't miss me back in the same way that I will miss it, and that's okay.
My message to you- get out of your comfort zone. Follow where your heart is telling you to go. Listen to it, do it. Be bound to nothing. If you want something do it, if you want to be something, go become it. Allow yourself to be yourself- It's good for the soul.